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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27161473">selfish</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigeonsatdawn/pseuds/fossilizedbirds'>fossilizedbirds (pigeonsatdawn)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys &amp; Sophism (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(not really but), Arguing, Everyone is tired, F/M, I wrote this in class, Light Angst, Tension, Ugh, Will is Tired, because i am a sucker for lauki, dark!Will, kym is tired, lauki makes a little appearance, leave me alone, okay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:07:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,989</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27161473</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigeonsatdawn/pseuds/fossilizedbirds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"You. Do what you want, for once. Cry, if you must. Shout, if you must."</p><p>“You. It’s you I want.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>William Hawkes/Kym Ladell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>selfish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/artemiseye/gifts">artemiseye</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>the amazing friend i'd somehow coaxed into reading PH. she read it all in a day in class, and as a gift, i'm posting this fic that i also wrote in one sitting, 1.5 hours, in class. she likes kywi, so here it is.</p><p>enjoy this mess of a fic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"><strong>KYM’S FIRST WARNING</strong> that something was going on with William was simply the fact that he was wearing black.</p><p class="p1">         It wasn’t that big of a deal—in fact, Kym quite appreciated the change in style, as it certainly made him look a little bit less like prim and proper Will, less like a servant in a fancy restaurant always receiving orders and more like the one who ditches the dinner. And Kym liked that. But perhaps she should’ve known better, that Will wasn’t someone who would ever do such a thing without a reason. Something had happened, and it was made obvious by the way his jaw seemed to be set in tension.</p><p class="p1">         From her desk, she raised an eyebrow at him, but he simply shook his head.</p><p class="p1">Not long later, he grabbed his coat. They were the only ones left in the office, and Kym was quite surprised that Will would be going home earlier than herself. He was, after all, quite the workaholic. Lauren was, too, of course, but she had been… out on a date with the archivist, who had gone home much earlier than she did. That was what she claimed, anyway, and Kym didn’t really believe her at all. She was sure her best friend was doing Lune business, or simply digging more into her own demons. She really needed to have a talk about that one of these days.</p><p class="p1">         Kym didn’t hesitate when she asked, “You’re going home already?”</p><p class="p1">         William ran a hand through his blonde locks. “My mother…” he said, before seeming to realize his mistake. Then his eyes shifted, and he shook his head. “I need to go.”</p><p class="p1">         “William,” Kym said, her eyes softening at his strained voice. “Let me accompany you home.”</p><p class="p1">         But he shook his head insistently. “I’m not going home now. I have somewhere to drop by.” He seemed as if he was going to say something else, but restrained himself from saying it.</p><p class="p1">         This caused Kym to sigh in desperation. “William,” she pleaded, “stop restraining yourself. If you’re not okay, just say you’re not okay. I understand.”</p><p class="p1">         “Do you, though?” He was unable to contain his reply, but he realized the way it must’ve come off on her. Kym’s mouth was gaping open, and this caused William to shake his head. “Never mind, Ladell. Go home.”</p><p class="p1">         “The least you can do is drop me off,” Kym tried to suggest, so as to be able to coax more out of him. Even though most of the time she was arguing with the Lieutenant, she couldn’t help but be worried.</p><p class="p1">         But William shook his head once more, this time with more resolve, and said: “I need to go,” before immediately leaving the room, and Kym, alone in it, confused and very much helpless.</p>
<hr/><p class="p1"><strong>KYM WAS DESPERATE</strong>, though, so she chased him out. She didn’t quite care about the prospect that she could be annoying him, even though she knew he was having a hard day. It was what she always did, anyway.</p><p class="p1">         By the time she caught up to him, she said, “This isn’t the direction of your family house either. Were you not going to meet your parents?”</p><p class="p1">         William did not bother hiding the glare that he sent her way, and neither was she unfazed. He always seemed to be less of a golden boy with her than with anyone else. “And why do you assume the things I do?”</p><p class="p1">         “I just—“ Kym stuttered, before sighing. “<em>Will.</em> Are you okay?”</p><p class="p1">         He shook his head. “Go, Kym.”</p><p class="p1">         “I’m not leaving you like this. You’re <em>clearly</em> not okay. You need to talk about it, but Lauren’s not here, so talk to me.” She looked at him with desperate eyes, wishing that he’d share some of his burdens. She knew he would never, and yet she seemed to hope anyway.</p><p class="p1">         “What good would talking do?” William graced her with the barest hint of frustration. <em>A small step, but a step nonetheless</em>, Kym thought. “It’s not like you can solve any of my problems.”</p><p class="p1">         “And you can solve your problems?” Kym challenged him. “You think if you do the things you do, your problems will be magically solved?”</p><p class="p1">         Will halted for a split second, before continuing to walk in large, fast strides. “No, but at least I won’t cause more problems.”</p><p class="p1">         “Do you not see yourself?” Kym said in exasperation, her hands beginning to flail. “You look one year closer to death every <em>day</em>. You never let yourself take a break, take a breath.”</p><p class="p1">         “I have no choice,” William said dismissively. Kym was beginning to grow concerned for two things: one, the way William’s expression seemed to darken, and two, the area he was heading—which seemed to be nearing the forest.</p><p class="p1">         “Where are you going?” she asked softly, worriedly.</p><p class="p1">         “You should go,” he told her instead. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”</p><p class="p1">         William began to leave her, going towards the growing darkness between the trees, but Kym pulled back his arm, resolute in her decision to stick with him. “<em>No</em>,” she said firmly. “Whatever it is you’re doing, I’m doing with you.”</p><p class="p1">         To her surprise, Will scoffs, smirking in a cold manner that Kym would have never imagined him do. She was growing even more worried, and a little bit scared, for the Lieutenant. “No, Kym, you can’t do it. It has to be <em>me</em>.”</p><p class="p1">         “Now, don’t get ahead of ourselves, shall we?” Kym said, offendedly. “What is it that I can’t do, that you have to do <em>alone</em>? Why do you undermine me so?”</p><p class="p1">         “What we should’ve done long ago,” Will said harshly, catching Kym by surprise. “Find Lune. Catch Lune. Send them behind bars.”</p><p class="p1">         The sergeant stopped in her tracks, looking at the blond man with a faux-confused expression. “Have you found Lune?” she forced out, not quite wanting to acknowledge yet the truth—that their best friend could very well be the one they had to hunt.</p><p class="p1">         But William wasn’t in the mood for lies. “Don’t bother,” he said coldly. “You and I both know she’s working with Kieran, not <em>dating</em> him. If she was, she would’ve told us long before we found them together. I’m not daft; neither are you. You’re just acting that way so you don’t have to deal with the fact now, or ever. So I’ll do it alone.”</p><p class="p1">         Kym had her suspicions, but she never would’ve thought Will had the same thoughts, but worse, had even been considering actually turning his own best friend in. She stopped her friend from trying to leave again, her grip this time stronger than before. “So, you’re just gonna out her like that?” Kym said unbelievingly. “You’re just gonna ignore her feelings, her entire stance on this whole problem, her own sacrifices—and for what?” Kym scoffs. “To keep your reputation?”</p><p class="p1">         “Because it’s <em>right</em>, Kym,” Will seethed, and her anger faltered for a second at how genuinely angry he looked.</p><p class="p1">         Her rage returned not long after, though. “No. That’s not why you’re doing this at all, don’t even try to lie to me,” she argued, voice growing louder. “You’re doing this because <em>you</em> don’t want to fail at something <em>again</em>. How could you—how could you be so selfish? She’s your <em>best friend</em>, Will.”</p><p class="p1">         “You think this is what I want?” Will screamed at her, and she had to step back. She was genuinely terrified at this point. Will had often been annoyed at her, but he had never <em>screamed</em> at her. She wasn’t sure how to respond. She didn’t have to think of that yet, though, because he went on: “You think catching Lune, surrendering my own best friend, is what I want? Do you think doing my father’s bidding is what I want? Do you think staying by my sick mother, taking care of her despite her not recognizing me is what I want? Selfish?” he spat on the ground, and Kym reeled back from the shock. “I’ve always done what everything <em>expects</em> of me, and you—<em>you</em>, out of all people—say I’m <em>selfish</em>?”</p><p class="p1">         “And <em>why</em> do you do what everyone wants of you, William?” Kym shouts back, her voice unsteady from the fear of him going completely feral, yet not being able to stand his cowardice. “Is it not to earn their approval? It is not to satisfy your own needs, what <em>you</em> lack, instead of thinking what you’re actually doing to the people around you?”</p><p class="p1">         Will stops to look at her, surprise evident in his blue orbs. Kym took this as a sign to continue, “What do you gain from your parents’ approval? Your father will never love you the way you ought to be loved. Your mother will never love you for the real you, the you <em>I</em> see. Why do you seek meaningless approval, when you have friends—Lauren, who makes sure you’re fine, who you keep pushing away since a kid, yet stays with you, and I, who—who just—wants the best of you?”</p><p class="p1">         “What <em>is</em> the best of me, Kym?” Will asked hoarsely, and the desperation in his voice sent shivers down Kym’s spine. The way he looked so broken, so lost, and so tired—she felt bad for screaming at him, yet she knew he needed to hear it.</p><p class="p1">         So she told him: “The best you is the you who knows what’s right, what you need to do, not what others <em>want</em> you to do. Have a spine, Will,” she said frustratedly, and yet very softly, because she knew how much he’d been through. “Let you be your own person. Let yourself <em>feel</em>. Let yourself think for what’s right and what’s wrong—consider why your own best friend is doing what she’s doing. <em>Talk</em> to her. Talk to <em>me</em>.”</p><p class="p1">         “What do you want me to say to you?” Will asked, looking at the ground, voice barely a whisper. “That I want my father gone? That I want my mother to—? That I want someone to just—someone who just cares?” He let out a shaky exhale, a tear rolling down his cheek.</p><p class="p1">         She wipes it away, and a tear of her own fell. “For what it’s worth—I care. And I don’t want to see you like this.”</p><p class="p1">         “What do you want to see?” he asked tentatively, breath fanning her face. She then realized how close they were.</p><p class="p1">         But she said instead: “You. Do what <em>you</em> want, for once. Cry, if you must. Shout, if you must.”</p><p class="p1">         He let out a dry sob. “You.”</p><p class="p1">         “What?”</p><p class="p1">         “It’s you I want,” he croaked, the words stumbling over each other. “I admire your courage. Your sense of self. Your carelessness, yet your caring self. Your playfulness, yet your seriousness. Your aim, in theory and quite literally. I want you, and everything you are.”</p><p class="p1">         “If you want to have me,” Kym whispered, “You’ll have to put the effort.”</p><p class="p1">         He chuckles weakly. “I’ve always put so much effort when it comes to you.”</p><p class="p1">         She shook her head. “That means you have to stop beating up yourself. You have to listen. You have to speak. You have to be your own person, William.”</p><p class="p1">         His lips were trembling, and she runs her thumb over his bottom lips very softly, feeling the cracks over it. Her heart breaks when she thinks of him biting his lip whenever he had to hold back from being himself. So this time, she made the first move. She showed him the way.</p><p class="p1">         And for once, he didn’t hold back.</p><p class="p1"><br/>
<br/>
<em>(Kieran, who watches the entire scene unfold—he had been on his way back to the cave when he spotted them—draws this later, in the solace of his apartment.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>          One day, when Lauren was particularly pissed at him; he shows her this; though she thinks it is quite too intimate for her taste, she smiles nonetheless—and it is one of the only times he has ever seen her smile again.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>          (He draws this, too.))</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <em><br/>    <b>long author's note ahead</b><br/>  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>okay i Swear. i have two kywi fic ideas. one is on the works, but is <em>terrible</em> and i can't seem to keep writing. the other one is not even written yet because i can't seem to Start. (then again they say inspiration strikes when it does, so this fic was born.)</p><p>it's really messy because god knows what was going on—i was in class, half paying attention, half writing the hell out of this, which is why it's not descriptive, rushed, not very logically making sense, but it's there. there. i don't care. it's an easy read i think, because it's dialogue heavy and nearly no descriptions at all.</p><p>i didn't want to release it—but then i have another lauki fic in the making and i just don't want my entire profile to be 15 works lauki and no kywi because i also love kywi, i just can't write kywi to save my life. (and especially when the other elle likes kywi. i love you elle so it's only right i dedicate one kywi fic to you.)</p><p>(yes, i know, there's still lauki in the end because again, i love lauki dynamics as hell.)</p><p>the quote also in the summary is inspired by The Queen of Nothing by Holly Black. (i know jurdan dynamics are more lauki, but cardan's "just come home" hit <b>hard</b>.)</p><p><em><b>long author's note end.</b></em> </p><p>thanks for reading my first finished take on kywi, even though it's quite unoriginal, i suppose. (by that i mean people's already writing about dark will. and credits to those who theorize of dark will a lot on fan-theories.) uh, comments and kudos always appreciated. </p><p>(last but not least: elle_rain i love you ;) &lt;3)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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